Inside every adult is a little child. This is far more evident in some adults than others and we often say that some people have never grown up because they let their inner child come to the forefront more than most of us. However, it is also this inner child which helps us to appreciate the simple things in life, laugh heartily, and enjoy life like a child without all the hang-ups, baggage, and cultural/social expectations that adults have. This inner child can also pop up with insecurities and attitudes that can make life difficult for us adults to understand. This is a short story about what my inner child did to me.
My life had been rather stressful with a nasty family argument, followed by my coming down with the flu, and then to top it all off my father died. I had not seen my father for four and a half years when he and his wife move over 2, 000 kilometres away. I had tried to go visit him but due to health problems it was not possible. His wife had said they would come back for a visit, but that didn’t happen either. I had spoken to my father many times on the phone and we had discussed many things. However, he still wanted to see me again and I him.
When he passed away I knew logically that I had told him everything I needed to – that I loved him very much, I had forgiven him, he had forgiven me, and much more. The last few phone calls with him I had ended by saying hugs and kisses which he really liked. He told me that saying that made him very happy as he loved hugs and kisses.
Yet despite all this something was wrong. My stress levels were so high that I ended up in hospital overnight and I was constantly battling with stress migraines. I had trouble remembering what day it was, what I was supposed to be doing and generally phased in and out mentally. Shopping that usually only took a few minutes took ages to complete. Then I realised that I was phasing in and out mentally when driving and knew that it was very dangerous, so I stayed home. I did not want to talk to anyone and could not get motivated to do anything. I was starting to become depressed because I knew something was wrong but had no idea what.
This continued for about two weeks. Then it dawned on me that I was like a little girl looking for her father wanting a hug. Although I don’t have any memories of my father before my parents split up, I do know that afterwards I was always looking for a father figure in my life. Now that my father had passed away my inner child was yearning for that one last hug from Daddy. For two weeks I, now an adult with Grandchildren of my own, had been wandering around like a lost child hopelessly looking for someone she could not find – her deceased father.
When I finally realised what was wrong I cried and cried. I comforted that inner child and let her know that we were going to be ok. All the stress that had built up was released and I was exhausted. I went to bed early that night and did not sleep well. However, the next morning my mind was clear and focused. I knew what day it was, what I was supposed to do and had the motivation to do it.
I was no longer a little lost girl. I could finally say good bye to my father and lay him to rest, although for the remainder of my life his memory will stay with me.
You filled your life with love, music and the odd bottle of wine.
You lived your life your way and blew your own trumpet.
Although you are gone you will never be forgotten.
Love, hugs and kisses to you, Dad,
From your loving daughter.
© 2014 S. D. Goeldner
© S. D. Goeldner, 2014. Last updated August, 2016.
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