Remembering

While most people try to remember things gone by,
Some of us try really hard to forget with a sigh.
Remembering nice things can bring joy and comfort,
But remembering awful things can bring great discomfort.

When I used to be asked why I feared my ex and ran for my life
I simply couldn't remember why, which caused me much strife.
To live in a close relationship for many, many years
One has to trust and drive away any nagging fears.

But slowly, very slowly one by one memories return
Strange stories of friends and of lessons they did learn.
For they did cross him, to their total dismay
He responded with threats of violence or caused a fray.

To some he never paid for goods he had accepted,
While others he never passed on money for them collected.
To many he did rant and rave, displeased with what occurred,
Yet, they deserved it - did they not - for they his wrath incurred.

But now this dreadful spiteful wrath has turned to point at me
Unrelenting, unexplainable, yet as true as true can be.
But how can I explain this wrath which once I did dismiss,
For I know that his aim is deadly - he will never miss.

Time has past, and my many wounds are healing rather well,
Yet even now I remember some things, which I will never tell.
At times friends tell a joke or tale about another place
But suddenly I am off remembering in another time and space.

A simple touch, a word or two said in a particular fashion,
Sends adrenaline rushing through me readying me for action.
Some movies that may seem placid to the last moments brief,
Then a sly unexpected twist can cause tears and terrible grief.

But how do I explain it - when it is so confusing to me
Why these things still upset me so much and make me want to flee.
Yet somewhere in the deep dark recesses of my mind
There are memories of pain and suffering that others will not find.

For though these memories are still coming slowly back to me
I would rather just forget them, less pain for me you see.
To try and show this ruthless man for who he really is down deep
Would cause discomfort to many and many others would weep.

So for now I put on a smile and try to remember only the good
For that is what makes life worth living as we really should.
But when I get upset by someone or something
I can comfort myself by saying - "I'm OK. I'm just remembering."

© Sandra Goeldner, February, 2013.